Even a few months ago i was pursuing happyness. I was trying to do everything in my capacity to help my brother live. And i have failed. Big time. Cancer was stronger after all. I still can't believe that he is gone. And nobody prepared me for the days to come. For the emptyness i would feel and the sadness. But then how can anyone prepare you that your world is going to fall apart? Who can prepare you to watch one of the most beloved persons in the whole world dying? I keep thinking of the last breath. And i want so bad to turn back time. And do more, and try harder and keep him alive. How can i move on? How can i ever smile like i used to? I really don't get why someone had to suffer that much? I hate cancer cause it took away my brother. And it looks like there is nothing i can do about it. And it hurts like hell. So what shall i pursuit now? Happyness? How can i ever be happy again when a part of me died? I will keep trying for my baby boy, and for my family. But life will never be the same. I don't love glitters anymore and i don't love books either. Life has not treat me well and i don't know why
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Changing Lanes
I get this feeling lately that while i was heading to the right direction, my life has made a turn and i am now moving on the opposite lane and i am contantly, trying to avoid contact with the obstacles that keep coming my way.
I heard stories about people who's lives changed after something terrible happened, after an accident or an illness but it never occured to me that it would be so difficult to adjust to a new world. My daily routine used to include work, shopping, going out for drinks, thinking of what to do at weekend. Now it involves doctors visits, feeling scared and wondering what the future will bring.
A while ago i was talking with my friend on the phone about this guy she fancies and i was trying to sound enthousiastic and force myself to show interest to what she was saying. And then i remembered that once upon a time, i would find this kind of chat so interesting, and talk with hours because i wouldhave millions of things to say. I couldnt keep wondering if i will ever be like i used to.
I've recently noticed that i dont laugh anymore. I only smile occationaly. And then i told myself that this is not the way to go. I have to find the strenght to laugh, and talk with my friend about this guy and make plans for the weekend and go shopping, otherwise how can i expect to win the enemy? How will i beat cancer if i am scared of it? How will i win this war i have declared if i am not strong enough?
And then i look at my 10 month old baby. I watch him trying to walk and talk and smiling at me and i get this feeling that i can rule the world. I watch my parents talk and laugh. I watch my sister going to uni and studying and trying so hard and i realise that i am so lucky i have a family. And i have no right to be sad.
I cant help wondering how many people are going through this terrible illness without having all these people by there side. So if there is anyone out there going through this rough path feeling alone and scared let me tell you that you are not really alone. And let me tell you what you shouldnt do. This is something i've been doing for almost a year and i now realise i was dead wrong. You should not try to make your life as it was. For months and months i've been angry and devostated because of what has happened to my family. But now i realise that this is not the way to go.
Instead of being agry i am trying to be grateful of all the things i have in my life. I am trying to be positive for the future and instead of being scared of it i am welcoming it. And as my mom told me, we will take what we will be given and we will try our best and we will fight until we have nothing else to give. And when we will be left with nothing else to give, we will try and find some more and we will keep going. Untill we win. There is no other way round this. Please bear this in mind next time you are scared about tomorrow
I heard stories about people who's lives changed after something terrible happened, after an accident or an illness but it never occured to me that it would be so difficult to adjust to a new world. My daily routine used to include work, shopping, going out for drinks, thinking of what to do at weekend. Now it involves doctors visits, feeling scared and wondering what the future will bring.
A while ago i was talking with my friend on the phone about this guy she fancies and i was trying to sound enthousiastic and force myself to show interest to what she was saying. And then i remembered that once upon a time, i would find this kind of chat so interesting, and talk with hours because i wouldhave millions of things to say. I couldnt keep wondering if i will ever be like i used to.
I've recently noticed that i dont laugh anymore. I only smile occationaly. And then i told myself that this is not the way to go. I have to find the strenght to laugh, and talk with my friend about this guy and make plans for the weekend and go shopping, otherwise how can i expect to win the enemy? How will i beat cancer if i am scared of it? How will i win this war i have declared if i am not strong enough?
And then i look at my 10 month old baby. I watch him trying to walk and talk and smiling at me and i get this feeling that i can rule the world. I watch my parents talk and laugh. I watch my sister going to uni and studying and trying so hard and i realise that i am so lucky i have a family. And i have no right to be sad.
I cant help wondering how many people are going through this terrible illness without having all these people by there side. So if there is anyone out there going through this rough path feeling alone and scared let me tell you that you are not really alone. And let me tell you what you shouldnt do. This is something i've been doing for almost a year and i now realise i was dead wrong. You should not try to make your life as it was. For months and months i've been angry and devostated because of what has happened to my family. But now i realise that this is not the way to go.
Instead of being agry i am trying to be grateful of all the things i have in my life. I am trying to be positive for the future and instead of being scared of it i am welcoming it. And as my mom told me, we will take what we will be given and we will try our best and we will fight until we have nothing else to give. And when we will be left with nothing else to give, we will try and find some more and we will keep going. Untill we win. There is no other way round this. Please bear this in mind next time you are scared about tomorrow
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The phone call
How can a phone call change your life? The day i received that phone call from my mom is now marked as the worst day of my life. Even since, my life has dramatically changed. That was 16 months ago. At the time i had no idea that was going to happen.
Living in a foreign country, always made me feel more emotional about my family. I was 3 motnhs pregnant at the time and living with my fiance. We were having problems at the time, there was a lot of tension between us. We were both hot tempered and stuborn and things were difficult.
That day, i came back from work and i realised i've forgot my key. I was so tired as i had to drive 2.5 hours a day to get to work and come back home. I've noticed that my fiance's car was parked outside the house and i was so relieved. After ringing the bell though for several times there was no answer. Then i thought i should give him a ring. Which is when i've realised my phone wasnt working...Great i thought...So by the time he eventually heard me shouting i was quite frustrated... We of course had a fight and then his friend came by, he bought a new car and he wanted to show off...So while they were off for a drive my phone rang...
'We've been to the doctor's and your brother needs to remove a tumour, as soon as possible'. Right and then my whole world collapsed. That was the beggining of the most difficult path i had to walk. I didnt know that at the time but my life would never be the same. I didnt cry, i just couldnt think of anything. I needed a hug and a kiss but i was all alone. So i just got the car and started driving. After a while i realised i was outside my work. I thought i should head back home. By the time i was there my fiance was furious, started yelling, i completely forgot my phone wasnt working.
The lesson i've learned by now is to expect the unexpected. I wasnt expecting anything. And i was caught by surprise. Maybe you are wondering how can a phone call change someones life? And yet i'm sure there's a number of people that feel exactly the same, right?
I'm sure there's at least someone out there who knows what i'm talking about. Who's life was changed after a phone call...Just like mine did
Living in a foreign country, always made me feel more emotional about my family. I was 3 motnhs pregnant at the time and living with my fiance. We were having problems at the time, there was a lot of tension between us. We were both hot tempered and stuborn and things were difficult.
That day, i came back from work and i realised i've forgot my key. I was so tired as i had to drive 2.5 hours a day to get to work and come back home. I've noticed that my fiance's car was parked outside the house and i was so relieved. After ringing the bell though for several times there was no answer. Then i thought i should give him a ring. Which is when i've realised my phone wasnt working...Great i thought...So by the time he eventually heard me shouting i was quite frustrated... We of course had a fight and then his friend came by, he bought a new car and he wanted to show off...So while they were off for a drive my phone rang...
'We've been to the doctor's and your brother needs to remove a tumour, as soon as possible'. Right and then my whole world collapsed. That was the beggining of the most difficult path i had to walk. I didnt know that at the time but my life would never be the same. I didnt cry, i just couldnt think of anything. I needed a hug and a kiss but i was all alone. So i just got the car and started driving. After a while i realised i was outside my work. I thought i should head back home. By the time i was there my fiance was furious, started yelling, i completely forgot my phone wasnt working.
The lesson i've learned by now is to expect the unexpected. I wasnt expecting anything. And i was caught by surprise. Maybe you are wondering how can a phone call change someones life? And yet i'm sure there's a number of people that feel exactly the same, right?
I'm sure there's at least someone out there who knows what i'm talking about. Who's life was changed after a phone call...Just like mine did
Saturday, January 15, 2011
What is happyness?
I now realise that ever since i remember myself i tried to be happy. To do things that would make me happy. Either that was buying a new toy, either having an ice-cream or candy, watching my favorite cartoon...And as i was growing older it switched to be getting a good grade in a test, buying new clothes, buying new shoes, having expensive highlights and the list goes on and on. As i got older my happyness was based in a materialistic patern, which was actually growing with a geometric progression.
Up to that day, not very long ago, which changed my entire life. Untill cancer hit my family. Now my life is divided into two periods. The 'Pre-Cancer' period and the 'Post-Cancer' period. Now my definition of happyness has changed. Now my happyness is rotated around a word. Remission. Every time i see a doctor i only hope i will hear this word. This is what's can make me happy now. Buying clothes is not fun anymore, buying expensive handbags neither.
For me, happyness is now defined as knowing that my younger brother will live to be 1000 years old. That he is soon going to be free of all that pain this terrible illness is causing him, and he will be soon the young man i know. Full of energy. Full of life. Full od dreams about his future.
I keep thinking that it is so hard for him to fight this illness. But he is not alone in this battle. I am fighting with him, my sister fights with him, my parents are figthing with him, his fiance fights with him, my 10 month old son is fighting with him. My aunt is fighting as well as my cousins. It is very difficult to fight an invisible enemy, especially when it lives inside my brother's body. But if cancer could understand this is what i would say 'You can't win this battle, we are too many fighting you. And you will be defeated. So you better go away as soon as you can.'
My definition of happyness is my brother's remission. What's yours?
Up to that day, not very long ago, which changed my entire life. Untill cancer hit my family. Now my life is divided into two periods. The 'Pre-Cancer' period and the 'Post-Cancer' period. Now my definition of happyness has changed. Now my happyness is rotated around a word. Remission. Every time i see a doctor i only hope i will hear this word. This is what's can make me happy now. Buying clothes is not fun anymore, buying expensive handbags neither.
For me, happyness is now defined as knowing that my younger brother will live to be 1000 years old. That he is soon going to be free of all that pain this terrible illness is causing him, and he will be soon the young man i know. Full of energy. Full of life. Full od dreams about his future.
I keep thinking that it is so hard for him to fight this illness. But he is not alone in this battle. I am fighting with him, my sister fights with him, my parents are figthing with him, his fiance fights with him, my 10 month old son is fighting with him. My aunt is fighting as well as my cousins. It is very difficult to fight an invisible enemy, especially when it lives inside my brother's body. But if cancer could understand this is what i would say 'You can't win this battle, we are too many fighting you. And you will be defeated. So you better go away as soon as you can.'
My definition of happyness is my brother's remission. What's yours?
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