Changing Lanes

I get this feeling lately that while i was heading to the right direction, my life has made a turn and i am now moving on the opposite lane and i am contantly, trying to avoid contact with the obstacles that keep coming my way.

I heard stories about people who's lives changed after something terrible happened, after an accident or an illness but it never occured to me that it would be so difficult to adjust to a new world. My daily routine used to include work, shopping, going out for drinks, thinking of what to do at weekend. Now it involves doctors visits, feeling scared and wondering what the future will bring.

A while ago i was talking with my friend on the phone about this guy she fancies and i was trying to sound enthousiastic and force myself to show interest to what she was saying. And then i remembered that once upon a time, i would find this kind of chat so interesting, and talk with hours because i wouldhave millions of things to say. I couldnt keep wondering if i will ever be like i used to.

I've recently noticed that i dont laugh anymore. I only smile occationaly. And then i told myself that this is not the way to go. I have to find the strenght to laugh, and talk with my friend about this guy and make plans for the weekend and go shopping, otherwise how can i expect to win the enemy? How will i beat cancer if i am scared of it? How will i win this war i have declared if i am not strong enough?

And then i look at my 10 month old baby. I watch him trying to walk and talk and smiling at me and i get this feeling that i can rule the world. I watch my parents talk and laugh. I watch my sister going to uni and studying and trying so hard and i realise that i am so lucky i have a family. And i have no right to be sad.

I cant help wondering how many people are going through this terrible illness without having all these people by there side. So if there is anyone out there going through this rough path feeling alone and scared let me tell you that you are not really alone. And let me tell you what you shouldnt do. This is something i've been doing for almost a year and i now realise i was dead wrong. You should not try to make your life as it was. For months and months i've been angry and devostated because of what has happened to my family. But now i realise that this is not the way to go.

Instead of being agry i am trying to be grateful of all the things i have in my life. I am trying to be positive for the future and instead of being scared of it i am welcoming it. And as my mom told me, we will take what we will be given and we will try our best and we will fight until we have nothing else to give. And when we will be left with nothing else to give, we will try and find some more and we will keep going. Untill we win. There is no other way round this. Please bear this in mind next time you are scared about tomorrow